mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
