Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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