i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
