How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
