i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
