so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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