mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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