i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
