Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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