Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize