i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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