Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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