You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
