wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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