This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize