In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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