Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize