I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize