Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
