1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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