I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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