Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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