Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
