Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
