and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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