Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
