I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
