If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
