When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
