Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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