Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
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