VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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