I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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