stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
