My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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