he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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