Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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