Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
