She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
