Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
