Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
