can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We were destined to go to rehab together
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
