Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
