toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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