i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
pray to the hookup gods
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
