You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How naked do you want me to be?
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