Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
