What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
