Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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