I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
