apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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