I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
