Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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