I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
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