Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
